Remind me again, why are you getting married? A test run period from engagement to the wedding date can present awesome experiences to develop nurturing habits when facing both joy and adversity as a couple. Let’s focus on how to flourish as a couple when life throws an overwhelming amount of crap at you. Don’t remind me why you are getting married, use words with each other every single day to express why you are getting married!
ALLIANCE IS POWERFUL
Let’s define “couple” as 2 individuals interacting as a basic. Know your priorities and your partner’s priorities. Creating a unified values system to act as a compass in this time and through life is foundational. Your values will support the ability to establish a united set of priorities to live within. Priorities will help you give in when the stressor (problem) is not so important and advocate strongly when you have agreed the problem is very important. When it comes time to set boundaries with family and clergy and others, the two of you will start on the same page.
THE TAMING OF EMOTIONS
We are born with emotions for a reason; emotions have a function. Couples are intimate when they know each other’s emotional response to life. Know yourself, your vulnerabilities and your coping patterns, learn about your partner’s. Avoid avoidance! We find that avoidance of emotions make the emotion much bigger if you do not pay attention to the reason the emotion was triggered. Avoid co-dependency! It can be natural to take on your partner’s problems when deeply in love, however it can be disrespectful to your partner and their self-esteem. Learn to label and express the emotions coming up for you. Figure out what you need from your partner when upset, ask them what they need when they are upset. Contract to help each other with specific steps and tools.
SHARED LANGUAGE OF EMOTIONS
Words matter! Verbal communication expertise will keep you sane and probably more in love for the long haul. Using “I” statements without pointing fingers at the other is an art form and a great place to begin. Step 1: Pause to identify your emotion as a response to a disturbing behavior in your partner. Step 2: Respondthoughtfully with words, not being reactive. Step 3: Focus on yourself, your emotional response to the behavior or action that caused the distress. Step 4: Use Curious Mind to better understand the situation and look for ways to repair. When communicating effectively, your relationship becomes deeper and stronger.
THE MESSY MIDDLE
We aim for “Wise Mind” through the process of becoming the consistent and reliable partners in life, persistently striving to balance the strong emotions and the facts of a situation. We call this the “Middle Path”. For everyone, the middle path is a comfortable place, not necessarily nirvana. You both will be giving up something and gaining a lot, you will join in the “us” solution. Nirvana creeps in when you know you have a solid relationship. If one of you uses emotion mind more and the other uses fact mind more, help each other to the middle path. Don’t assign one to be emotional and the other to be factual, the goal is to support each other to use both fact and emotion to join in wise mind as your unified responses to stressful events.
Engagement to Marriage, becoming “we” could be a huge book, but we are in a blog. Foundational ideas are intended to set you in motion toward creating a solid “we”. If you would like to take this further, give me a call!
